One of our babies was due this week. On Friday. The day after our 4th wedding anniversary.
By the time you get to your due date after a first trimester miscarriage, the raw, intense, desperate grief has usually passed. But there is still an underlying ache. That pointless, but hard to ignore question, of “Why me??? Why didn’t I get to keep my baby, when other women were able to keep theirs?” still pops up from time to time. And as your due date approaches, it’s impossible not to imagine your huge belly, and the tiny, squishy newborn that would be emerging from it, into your life, had things gone differently.
This week especially, I’m grieving that baby we lost 7 month ago. I’m wearing the charm I bought in its memory, around my neck. I’m picturing our guest room transformed into a nursery with hints of either pink or blue. I’m picturing us at the hospital, holding our new child and crying with joy and exhaustion. I’m picturing us bringing that baby home and introducing RJ to his new sibling and all the chaos that would follow. I’m letting myself picture these things, and I’m letting myself cry over the fact that they’re not my reality anymore. I’m crying a bit harder this week than I usually do.
But then I’m wiping my tears. I’m hugging, laughing and playing with my son. And I’m taking him to his swim lessons, and his playdates, and his Toddler Time. I’m planning an anniversary trip with my husband this weekend. I’m taking the daily injections and meds that will hopefully lead to our 6th and last pregnancy. I’m still going on with my life. Because while I’ll never “move on” from losing my babies, I’ll always keep moving forward. It’s really the only direction worth traveling in. And it doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten. It doesn’t mean you don’t still hurt. It just means you’re choosing life and happiness in the wake of your grief.
So on Friday, I won’t be in the delivery room learning my baby’s face and his/her cries. I won’t be sleep deprived and nipple-chafed and drunk with newborn love. But I’ll be wine tasting with my husband. Thinking back on the 4 years of marriage we’ve had together so far, laughing about the good times we’ve shared and maybe letting a tear or two slip thinking about the harder ones. But mostly, we’ll be thinking forward to the hopefully countless years we’ll have together from here on out, that will no doubt bring more laughter and tears.
This post is in memory of the sweet baby we buried in our backyard on February 1st, 2014. I can’t have you in my arms, but when I’m missing you, I’ll at least wear you around my neck, and forever keep you in my heart.